All Ups, No Downs with Up Dharma Down

(Note: On occasion of Up Dharma Down's 10th year, I am uploading this blog that I wrote of their Capacities Album launch on November 28, 2012. I've forgotten about this un-uploaded blog until I cleaned my files today. And what timing.)    

In case you’ve been living in a music-less bubble, you probably don't know that UDD is certifiably one of the most creative and commercially successful Pinoy bands in current times. Can’t describe their music – it’s a happy fusion of indie, alternative and techno -- a sound that is decidedly original. Online, they are described as 'post-rock', 'experimental', indie-pop, and electronic rock, among others.  My advice is, don’t overthink their music – just listen and savor it.

There are a few things I would do for Up Dharma Down (UDD), which I probably wouldn’t do for any other local band.

One, patronize a concert venue that’s built on property owned by Henry Sy. And that‘s cause many of us were/are still in uproar over SM Baguio getting rid of 200 sweet-smelling pine trees to make space for a parking lot.

Two, wait for two hours to get in to the venue of a much-awaited album launch. Okay, that’s cause we did not manage to pre-order the tickets online.

Three, wait an additional hour and a half (standing, ha – there were no seats) for the concert to commence. And it’s just for the front act.

That was the case when UDD launched their third album, Capacities, at One Esplanade last Nov 28, 2012.

The night of the concert, the moon was pregnant-full and my friend, JP, and I were in high spirits. This was an aspirational moment. We didn’t have to endure watching them in concert, as we’ve done so in the past, with a long line-up of bands where they end up performing last (sometimes at 3am).  This concert was fully theirs and theirs alone  – well, except for Mauve, the front act. I think those guys were great, too. But then, I wasn’t paying too much attention. Maybe I should have, but honestly, who really does pay attention to front acts? Unless you’re UDD, which was the case when they fronted for Bamboo (the band) in a concert a few years back. That was one awesome concert too, and the last one of the band's that I was lucky to watch before their frontman left. I guess it must suck to front act for a group that’s so highly anticipated by an audience that if they have the power to shoo you away from the stage with their thoughts, they would. But then again, UDD also fronted for lesbian-twin duo,Tegan and Sara, when they had a concert in Manila, which was a music event that my young lezzie friends had multiple orgasms over.

JP and I were very close to the stage, just two rows away – and that’s the reward one gets for being prompt. As Ms. International Melanie Marquez once said, ‘the early bird, eat (sic) early breakfast.’

When the lights went out and the band came out on stage, Armi was a vision in her impeccably immaculate white suit. The first thing that came to my mind: Dapper chic. Like Bond. James Bond.  

They sang all the songs from the new album and as expected, the earlier released ‘Turn It Well’, ‘Indak’ and ‘Tadhana’ (which was the theme song of a TV fantasy show) gained instant recognition. That’s where I first heard Luna, which has become my track favorite in that album (and still is). I was ready to soak and revel in their new songs, but they also treated the audience of about 2,500 people with their classic hits from the two previous albums, Fragmented and Bipolar. And what a treat to hear a live version of Feelings with remote vocals from Paul Buchanan of The Blue Nile, one of their self-admitted musical influences. From ‘Oo’ (which predictably was the night’s crowd favorite – we Pinoys are such a loyal and nostalgic lot) to ‘Taya’, to ‘Every First Second’, to ‘Sana’ – the entranced audience swayed in motion alongside the band.

The song had to be, Oo.

When they played the opening notes of Hiwaga, JP and I waved at Armi and she waved back and smiled – and that, my friends, was the ultimate, ‘I-almost-died-fan-girl’ moment. Hiwaga is a song that makes one jump up and down. So we did and I promptly stepped on the foot of the guy behind me. I said ‘sorry’, kept on jumping, and stepped on his foot again.

Sheepish, fidgety, but endearingly funny 

And then there were the ‘amusing’ moments. Armi, delivering her spiels, somewhat embarrassed with all the attention she and the band were getting, slightly fidgety, looking sheepish, feeling awkward and seemingly just wanting to get over the required chitchat between band and audience. But she was funny as hell – in a nonchalant, non-descript way. As far as overt expressions of admiration from the audience went, there were more girls who screamed ‘I love you, Armi!' 

That finger-wagging thing again!

‘Turn it Well’ may well be remembered as the moment Armi playfully wagged her finger to the already roused crowd. Yes, it was nice to see some action beyond just the usual head-flipping and feet-stomping that vocalists are wont to do. Mind you, she was on keyboards the whole time. The boys in the band were in their element – each zoned in on their respective instruments and sound.  And that made for a one cohesive show, each one fitting snugly as a piece in a superb musical concert puzzle.

I like going to concerts -- it brings the experience of music to a different level. Well, I’ve been to ones that really sucked, too – so this experience is only in reference to those that I really enjoyed. It’s a solitary, yet paradoxically a collective experience of awe, and of sheer, pure, and wanton abandon (which I guess other mob or mass activities such as political rallies also elicit – although rage and indignation are more likely what fuel those). So whether it’s rock, classical, jazz, or the UDD-kind of music, the mind gets fed, the soul is soothed, and the physical senses are heightened.

Indeed, it was one of the concerts I truly enjoyed and on top of it, I went home with their brand new CD. What more did I want for the holidays last year? Well, nothing. Almost.

 

 

Being Princess: Or Being Prim and Proper with Political Passion and Purpose

Ana Maria Ronquillo Nemenzo or Princess, as we all call her, may not know it (or she probably will not remember), but she was instrumental in my entry and evolution into feminist politics.

Back in the late 80s, I attempted to do an undergraduate thesis on women in politics. That’s how I met most of the KALAYAAN (full name: Katipunan ng Kababaihan Para sa Kalayaan or League of Women for Liberation – now doesn’t that sound, guerilla-ish) women for the first time and got exposed to their awe-inspiring and ahem ‘G&D’ feminist activism. That’s also before I attended and experienced their ‘wild’ parties. I had not considered myself a feminist then, having only an elementary grasp of gender issues. One of the first women I met was Princess, whose refined demeanor seemed unnerving -- initially. By ‘refined’, I mean, boarding school-refined. Yet, she was feisty too – and fierce -- in her feminist articulation and political stance. 

The early KALAYAAN days..

I interviewed Princess for about an hour and tried to milk as much information from her on the state of women in politics, i.e., did having a woman president at that time meant better conditions for women involved in politics and did it translate into concrete political gains for Filipino women? Of course, I had forgotten her specific responses to my thesis-related questions, but I remember asking her towards the end of the interview how one becomes a member of KALAYAAN.  She said, “Just come to our orientation and join our activities”. What?? No screening test? No initiation rites? It’s that ‘easy’ to join this ‘select’ feminist collective? It took me a year later to make that happen. By then, I had also met Irene, who had joined KALAYAAN much earlier and who was, thankfully, the same age as I was. I mean, it’s no joke being a twenty-year old in the midst of fearsome and formidable forty-something feminists (well, there were a few thirty-somethings, too). Our joke then was that if Princess had a daughter at 15 and if her daughter also had one at 15, then that ‘one’ would be me. Though in honesty, I never did feel that 30-year gap between us.

Anti-US Bases Rally, 1991. Photo by Flor Caagusan

I remember those GAs and parties at Princess’s house in UP in the early 90s, the rallies that KALAYAAN joined with her at the frontlines, and the endless meetings, workshops and trainings that I had been lucky to be a part of. In particular, I remember assisting Princess in documenting a Womanhealth project: a series of consultations, which brought me to Zamboanga and Dumaguete. I distinctly recall how once she drove me into a state of stressful panic -- we needed to catch a flight in an hour, but she was still happily engrossed in scrutinizing the local fabric at the flea market.

Twenty-five pounds ago, I was in a lunch meeting in a restaurant called Canopy in West Avenue. It was an obvious rip-off of Trellis, with its open-air interiors, verdant foliage and wide wooden chairs. Princess arrived, sat beside me, said hello, and lowered her gaze on the seat I was occupying. “Oh my god, you’re only occupying one half of the chair!” she remarked with earnest shock that I would never forget till this very day (yes, especially now – at twenty-five pounds later).

Which brings me to my next subject: food. If there is one way to typify or personify the fine art of eating, that would be none other than Princess. Her reverence to food radiates in the dining table. There is no other delight for a food lover and cook like me than to have someone indulge in gustatory pleasure over my ‘creations’. Princess always manages to get totally absorbed in her food. Even in the midst of the madness and noise around her, she will meticulously spoon those tiny morsels of red velvet cupcake into her mouth.

Magkagulo na ang lahat.. Imma have this red velvet cupcake and eat it too.

And I must mention remembering her warnings (or should I say, slight exasperation – complete with head-shaking and tongue-clicking) at one point in my life when I embarked on something that was rather reckless and foolhardy. Okay, let’s stop there. :-) 

In the last few years, I got know Princess, the groupie. Who would have thought I’d end up hanging out with her to watch concerts and musical shows? It’s almost like being taken back to the early years of KALAYAAN, when we worked hard and partied harder. 

If there's one thing that should be celebrated about Princess, it's her dedication and commitment in advancing women's sexual and reproductive health and rights, not just nationally, but globally. Through the years, she has remained present in my life. Even though there were many years when we rarely saw each other, every time we reunited, the warmth was always there, as if we never parted. Princess was and will always be a constant reminder and inspiration to me of how it is to be a feminist activist, through and true. 

Weather, Whether, Whatever!

I spent the first 16 years of my life living in the southernmost tip of the Philippines. In a disaster-prone archipelago, Gensan, my hometown, seems to have had the most luck of not being in the proverbial typhoon path. I’m stating this while knocking on wood copiously, because in this era of climate change, one can never foretell how the weather will turn. In the immortal words uttered by movie star-turned-mayor-turned-governor, Vilma Santos, ‘you can never can tell’.

In the 70s and early 80s, weather patterns were more predictable. Guess that’s how it is when you have only two: dry and wet season. The wet season ran from June-September (sometimes ending as early as August), while the rest of the year was ‘dry’, with April and May being the hottest and most humid.  With Gensan being so close to the equator, cold weather was an alien concept to its residents and real only to those who lived on the ‘other side’, i.e., the mountainous northern tip of the country.

Back then, the rains were a welcome respite from the scorching heat. Seeing our school grounds littered with tiny rivulets would always give me a strange sense of serenity. Those hypnotic ripples! The rains knew when to halt and the only damage they caused was on my mother’s laundry, which she had left outside to dry. 

While being virtually typhoon-free, Gensan was not spared from the occasional earthquakes and landslides. One earthquake I would never forget was in 1976, which struck at around seven in the morning, just as I was getting ready for school. Our display cabinet that was filled with precious Noritake dinnerware had toppled over, scattering debris of precious porcelain broken into smithereens. I was only eight years old then, but I mustered enough courage to not show any grief, as I gingerly helped my parents gather the broken pieces. It must have been heart-breaking for both of them to see an entire ‘made-in-Japan’ dining set, complete with serving pieces, shatter into utter uselessness. Moral of the story? Don’t keep your nicest things for display. Use them for as long and as much as you can, because if they get damaged or lost, you can at least say you’ve used them for what they were worth. After all, they’re just stuff. Then, move on. But, I digress.

My typhoon experience started when I moved to Manila for college. Each Signal Number 3 warning would be greeted with jubilation because it meant that classes in all levels were suspended. One would think that the most sensible thing to do was to stay home to be safe and dry. Instead, we would make a beeline to the nearest mall to watch a movie and eat burgers and fries afterwards. Guess one can afford to be brazenly idiotic while still young and living away from the parents. But I do remember the post-disaster relief operations that our university would organize: soliciting and packing relief goods for distribution to areas heavily damaged by the typhoon. Our school campus was strategically located on top of a hill and from there, one could get a panoramic glimpse of the entire Marikina Valley submerged in floodwater.

Fast-forward to the new millennium when the seasons are no longer predictable, when the summer heat gets unbearably worse after each passing year, when typhoons pay visits during the holiday season. One casualty of climate change that I can audaciously claim is the annual LGBT Pride March. Previously held in the month of June to coincide with the global pride celebrations (which had its roots in the Stonewall riots in NYC in June 1969), the organizers decided to move the event to December precisely to avoid the rainy season. The other main reason was that it was closer to International Human Rights Day, which was commemorated every 10^th of December. Lo and behold, our parade also ended up getting rained on in December!

2005 LGBT Freedom March: The party tent, umbrella and raincoats say it all.

By far, the strongest typhoon I experienced in Metro Manila was Milenyo (International Code Name, Xangsane) in 2006. Thanks to the internet and local cable news TV, we were amply forewarned that landfall would be at around ten in the morning, with the eye of the storm directly hitting Metro Manila. Like clockwork, by mid-morning, the winds started howling in ghoulish proportions, the skies darkened into a somber gray and the rains began pelting down. I can confirm how destructive Milenyo was, because for the first time ever, freakish gusts of wind managed to spray water into the ceiling of the second floor bedroom of the apartment that I was living in. Outside, it looked like raging behemoths had crossed paths: tree branches were scattered all over the streets, sheets of galvanized roof were flying about and electric poles were dangerously teetering from side to side. But the typhoon left as fast as it came. Two hours later, the winds had calmed down and the sounds of the rain were reduced to a soft patter.  But oh, the destruction and the havoc that Milenyo wreaked in the metropolis. In just two hours! And don’t get me started with Ondoy, Pepeng, Sendong, Pablo and the entire alphabet-soup of tropical storms that have hit the country in the last decade.

On an annual basis, there are 19-20 typhoons that enter the so-called ‘Philippine Area of Responsibility’. Of these only a third actually hit the ground.  But, as if we’re not pummeled enough by these storms, we also have our share of volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, and floods. Guess, we’re not in the Pacific Ring of Fire, for nothing.

But geography is not destiny! Yes, our country has everything to offer when it comes to disasters, just like SM Shoemart’s earworm of an advertising slogan in the 1980s, ‘We’ve got it all for you’. Yet, it does not mean that we have to resign ourselves to this unfortunate fate. We have learned to live and survive with disasters – be they ‘natural’ or human-made. When Ondoy struck in 2009, I blogged about it – extolling the Filipino spirit of resiliency, unity and cooperation in crisis situations, but at the same time, deploring the lack of disaster preparedness and management on the part of government.

As the country prepares to face the aftermath of Typhoon Yolanda (Haiyan), which just hit Central Philippines, I am reminded of this tongue-twister in my youth. This, among many others, was taught by my high school Speech teacher, who just died a couple of days ago (and this is my quirky way of thanking her).

Whether the weather be fine 
or whether the weather be not,

Whether the weather be cold 
or whether the weather be hot,

We'll weather the weather, 
whatever the weather,
 
whether we like it or not.

KALAG-KALAG and How Not To Disturb the Dead

Kalag-kalag, Bangkok-Style

‘Kalag’ is the Ilonggo word for soul and 'kalag-kalag’ is the act of remembering the souls of our dearly departed. When I was growing up, this was how my family would spend the first two days of November. It meant saying prayers and lighting candles -- one for each dead member of the family. On my mother’s side, it was her four brothers, who met tragic deaths in their youth. One had died from food poisoning, while another was hit by a falling tree, that killed him instantly. On my father’s side, I cannot remember. All I knew was that six candles had to remain lighted throughout the day. Once a candle had melted to its last bits, with the wick barely aflame, it had to be immediately replaced. This was done so as not to disturb the ‘peace of the soul’ it was burning for. For safety reasons, we had the lighted candles positioned outside the house, but near the doorway, where they could be easily seen. For best results, it was recommended to use tall bulky candles, which burned for hours and hours. Apart from the candle-burning ritual, there were intermittent trips to the cemetery, if only to assuage our dead that they were not yet forgotten.

There was nothing festive about the whole thing. In fact, if it wasn’t for the suman (glutinous rice cooked in sugar and coconut milk and peppered with latik) being prepared and served for the occasion, it seemed more like an abridged version of ‘holy week’ --  in that, it was a time for silence and contemplation. Then again, maybe it was just my parents. Not that I stayed silent and contemplative during those times – but I do remember being admonished to keep still and refrain from horsing around. 

So no, I can’t relate much to all the revelry of ‘halloween’ and what it has evolved into today. Yes, this whole costume-party frenzy and trick-or-treating are as alien as easter egg-hunting to me. While I am not vehemently against these borrowed traditions, it’s the mad consumerism of it all that I can’t stand.

After I left my hometown to study and live permanently in Manila, I reenacted the same annual kalag-kalag ritual. And, when I started working, the solemnity of the event started to dissipated. Instead, November 1 and 2 became holidays to look forward to, especially if they fell close to a weekend, because it meant longer days off work.

Throughout the years, we accumulated more dead relatives: a cousin, my grandparents, uncles and aunts. So, I would faithfully light the candles –though I eschewed the whole-day burning ritual. I mean, I had other things to do than make sure I wouldn’t burn the house down. And other than my dead relatives, I eventually also lighted candles for departed friends, especially those ravaged by cancer or AIDS. But when the number of deaths increasingly became more frequent (and unbearably so), especially before ARVs became available, the candles just weren’t enough. So I made a cosmic pact with those beloved souls that one candle could represent them all at once -- a set of friends, a number of relatives, and important colleagues. And yes, I also lighted candles for River Phoenix and Michael Jackson.  

Remembering Nelson Mandela and the 'Closest' Encounter I Could Ever Have with Him

"It is never my custom to use words lightly. If 27 years in prison and 27 years of silence in solitude have taught me anything, it is how precious words are!"

I distinctly remember frantically scrambling my way through the bushes and flowerbeds, just so I could get a clear glimpse of this frail, but magnetic and eminent man named Nelson Mandela. That was during the Closing Ceremony of the XIII International AIDS Conference in July 2000, which Durban, South Africa hosted. Mandela was a demigod revered by all of Africa and the rest of the world – at least that’s how I remember it in that conference. The welcome song, the chants, and the cheers did not seem to end, as he slowly entered the main hall.

And when he spoke – every word was like a mantle of wisdom and hope cloaking the entire audience. Some were even in tears, that it seemed all too surreal. That’s when I fully comprehended the meaning of awe.

His speech was a subtle, yet sharp rebuke to Thabo Mbeki, who earlier that week, spoke at the Opening Ceremony. Mbeki, who was then the president of South Africa, was greeted by jeers, boos, and placard-carrying protesters, much to the chagrin and embarrassment of the conference organizers (mind you, the protests were led by South African AIDS activists). Well, that’s what you get for saying that HIV does NOT lead to AIDS. That, and his refusal to see the value of ARVs, vaccines and treatment access.  

In his speech, Mandela admonished the importance of going beyond the conflicts between politics and science, adding that he believed Mbeki ‘takes scientific inquiry seriously.’ Chuckles. Heads nodding. We all knew what he really meant when he said that.  He also challenged everyone to address stigma and discrimination, move from rhetoric to action and ensure inclusiveness in the  fight against AIDS. Which meant including Thabo Mbeki, even when he was being a jackass.

More than a decade later, Mandela's words still ring true.

Thankfully, the global AIDS movement has progressed, even as we’re still seeing a spike of cases in a number of countries in the world, including the Philippines.  Alas, there were only a few video/digital camera addicts at that time; wifi technology was not in place; and, there was no live-tweeting or facebook updating that could have informed the rest of the world, in real time, what a great, great man, he was. He still is -- (and I'm saying that even if he only succeeded in addressing political, and not economic apartheid in South Africa).

One of the buildings in downtown Durban that was festooned with AIDS ribbons and banners.

This blog was originally posted in my FB Notes on June 27, 2013 at 10:51pm.

‘Never Again’ Means NEVER AGAIN!

I was four years old when Martial Law was declared on September 23,1972. My distinct memory of that period was the constant airplay of ‘Ang Bagong Lipunan’ (The ‘New Society) blaring from our transistor radio. It was a rousing tune that made me march along with it, oblivious to the ghastly implications of that presidential proclamation that would spawn more than a decade of political terror. Because I lived in the southern-most tip of the Philippines, which we then referred to as ‘Dadiangas’ (before it got the ‘Gensan’ monicker), we were somehow isolated and insulated from the political crisis that was infesting imperial Manila and the other main cities.

Throughout the 70s and on to the mid-80s, I would occasionally hear of the skirmishes between the Pulahans or NPAs (New People’s Army), the MNLF (Moro National Liberation Front – when its ideals and intentions were still somehow noble) and the Ilagas (Rats), the much-dreaded ear-chopping vigilante group. And who could forget Norberto Manero, alias Kumander Bucay, who sowed terror in Southern Mindanao, including his infamous murder of Italian priest, Fr. Tulio Favalli? He would later reveal that it was his brother Edilberto who pulled the trigger.

Growing up in an apolitical household meant that political issues were only furtively discussed in whispers, so that we could ‘go on with our lives’. Yes, we had to deal with the inconveniences of military checkpoints and curfews, but as a kid, I was totally incognizant of the grave social and political repercussions of Martial Law. During those times, we would hear of frequent encounters between the military, which was supported by para-military forces, i.e., the infamous CHDF (Civilian Home Defense Force) and its later incarnation, the CAFGU (Civilian Armed Forces Geographical Unit) with the underground left/communist movement.

It would be a decade later before I realized the full extent of the so-named conjugal dictatorship, and that was only when I came face to face with friends (and friends of friends) who were forcibly silenced, incarcerated, tortured and sexually abused. Some of them had joined the underground movement or were forced to a life of exile outside the country.

Four decades later, the Marcoses are back in politics as if they never left. As if the reign of terror did not exist. As if the Philippine treasury was never raided and as if the existence of the Swiss bank accounts, the staggering amounts of jewelry and cash and the lavish mansions were woven from urban legends and imaginary tales. They say you cannot bestow the sins of the father upon the son (in this case the Marcos children). But for them to disregard and rewrite the past, as if the Marcos era was the Golden Age of Philippine history, insults my sensibilities to the very core. Which is the same sentiment I have for Johnny Enrile (Martial Law executor) who has deftly evaded justice all these years and Kit Tatad (Marcos’s Information Minister) – both rabidly and fanatically anti-RH spokespersons. What makes the situation worse is that many young people, especially those born from the 90s onwards, have absolutely no idea or no clue about those dark days of the dictatorship. Hey, it’s not like this happened in the 18^th or 19^th century, no?

I am writing this to honor and pay homage to those who lived to tell their stories and to give respect to those who continue to lend their names, faces and voices to counter the lies and falsehood of those who benefitted and profited from that regime. I join them in exclaiming, ‘Never again!’   

P.S. And this is also why I will never vote for any Marcos into political office.

My grandfather: a first generation migrant worker

My grandfather, Antonio Suarez Marin, died 25 years ago at the age of 95.  Born on May 10, 1892, he would have been 120 years old today. For us, grandkids, he was simply, ‘Lolo’. He was the only grandfather I knew, as I never met my maternal grandfather (and that’s a story that I am still clueless about till this day). 

Lolo was a first generation migrant worker who toiled in the sugar cane plantations in Hawaii, braved the stench of seafood canning factories in Alaska and endured heavy industry work in Seattle in the 1920s and 1930s. He also served in the US Army in Texas during World War I.

In between working abroad, he would come home to his family in Iloilo on a periodic basis. Like a typical husband separated by distance from his wife, my grandmother, his departures were marked by subsequent arrivals of children nine months later. Just before World War II commenced, my grandmother finally admonished him to settle in the Philippines for good, as she no longer fancied the thought of raising their children by her lonesome (at that time, communication was even slower than snail mail). In between those comings and goings, my father was born in 1934, the fourth of six children. 

In 1940, the Marin family moved from Iloilo to Mindanao to become homestead pioneers in Dadiangas, an emerging settlement in the shores of Sarangani Bay. As the city’s history reveals, the first set of immigrants who came a year before were 62 “Christians” from Luzon led by General Paulino Santos. Soon after the move, World War II broke out. The Japanese Army, who had forcibly occupied Manila and some parts of Luzon and the Visayas, also used Dadiangas as their base for ground defense in Mindanao. My father can still recall the terror that gripped the island during those four tenuous years of Japanese occupation.

In 1954, through Republic Act 1107, the city was formally named General Santos City. Now you know from where the city got its name. Yet, the name-change took a while to catch, because as kids growing up in the 70s and 80s, my friends and I still referred to our beloved city as ‘Dadiangas’. ‘Gensan’ caught on as a moniker in the 90s, when many from my generation had left to become migrants in imperial Manila and elsewhere.

My Lolo and I, December 1976

 

In his retirement in the 1970s, my grandfather was able to reap the benefits of being a US war veteran with a generous pension, which he would occasionally apportion to his children and grandchildren, including myself. I remember receiving crisp P50.00 bills on every Christmas Day, until I moved to Manila for college in 1984. That was big money, waaaay back then. Lolo also rewarded me (or more precisely, my parents) if I got good grades, as he would shoulder my tuition fees for the incoming grading period. One time, he asked me to accompany him to the barbershop. As a reward, he treated me to a half-pint of strawberry ice cream and a packet of barquillos.

In his later years, Lolo would be buried deep in his books and newspapers (which he read with the aid of a magnifying glass). He would also buy volumes of PIMS (Philippine Index of Medical Supplies) and self-diagnose whatever ailment he was feeling. Days after my grandmother died in 1987, he took 10 milligrams of valium, which knocked him out for more than a day.  Understandably. Even just 2 mg could send one to dreamland in a jiffy. My parents and aunts rushed him to hospital because he was not responding. When he woke up two days or so later, he was seriously pissed off to find himself confined in the hospital.

So that’s a short account about my Lolo. Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if he did not come back to the Philippines and just decided to move the entire family to the US. Would I have even been born at all? And then again, I probably would have ended being one of those lost third-generation Fil-Ams in perpetual search of their identity and cultural roots.

Strangely, I got involved in migrants’ rights advocacy, way before I knew about my grandfather’s life as a first generation Filpino migrant worker. It figures.

When We Were 20….Years Ago: Remembering the First Time Filipino Lesbians Marched in an International Women’s Day Rally

It was twenty years ago today, when Filipino lesbians first marched on International Women’s Day (okay, I deliberately made that sound like the opening line of a Beatles song). If you’re old enough to know this song, or the Beatles, you’re probably old enough to have been alive on March 8, 1992, the last time that Filipino feminists/women activists marched together as a ‘movement’ under one collective banner. Yes, that IWD rally was peppered with women spanning across generations, crossing class boundaries and transcending conflicted political persuasions. Tragically, that same year and the many years thereafter, we saw the savage splintering of this fragile entity that we called women’s sisterhood.  Triggered by ideological conflicts and personal wars (and the separation between the two had always been porous and permeable), the women’s movement, broke into smithereens (okay, I am being overly dramatic here). But what I also want to say is, despite becoming fragmented and conflict-ridden, women's organizations continued to advance women's rights -- in various spheres and platforms.  As a twenty-something self-identified feminist, I witnessed the virulence, the hostility and the brutality that had engulfed the women I had learned to regard as my ‘sisters’ and looked up to as my heroes and role models. Yes, Virginia, I was really young, then. And impressionable. (I can hear my “elder” feminist friends chuckling).

But I’m going ahead of myself, as always  --indeed, if there’s one thing that the women’s movement has taught me, it’s CONTEXT, CONTEXT, CONTEXT). 

So, just a few disclaimers:

1. Prior to 1992, discussions around lesbian issues have taken place, but they were confined to a few women’s organizations. One of the pioneers was my feminist organization, KALAYAAN. As early as 1985, KALAYAAN had dared to posit that ‘women’s rights are human rights’, then considered heretical in the hallowed halls of the political movement. KALAYAAN then went on to ‘explore’ issues of sexuality, sexual and reproductive health and rights, and proudly claim the ‘F’ word. In 1990, the International Women and Health Meeting (IWHM), an international gathering of women working on issues of health, sexuality and gender, held a five-day conference in the University of the Philippines (UP). It became the platform for the first ‘closed door’ discussion of lesbian issues in a conference setting and subsequently fueled further ‘backdoor’ exchanges.

2. Since the event I am recalling happened exactly 20 years ago, I am only able to vividly recall fragments of that fateful period when we dared and bared (not physically) our so-called political existence. And I must acknowledge Giney Villar and Tesa de Vela, two of my co-conspirators in that first lesbian formation, who ably recalled and provided critical details to plug the holes in my now-forgetful mind. I’m sure there are many other details that have been inadvertently left out – and I’ll save that for another writing project.

Months before the March 8 rally, a motley crew of overzealous, passionate, worked up and eager beaver young (put emphasis here) women got together to conduct informal discussions about lesbian issues. We belonged to different organizations (though some were not affiliated with any) and we vowed to be as inclusive and as open to anyone who wanted to join – by invitation, of course. We would get together on weekends and evenings, ‘problematizing’ our location vis-à-vis the women’s movement. We held arduous discussions on which was more essential: our feminist identity or our lesbian identity. Back in those days, lesbianism, in the women’s movement where I was situated, was being proffered more as a ‘political choice’ than being ‘biologically determined’. That was the heyday of the ‘constructionist versus essentialist’ debates and we lapped it all up like flies to honey (okay, bad analogy). You get the drift. Giney swears that some of us were obsessed with ‘theorizing lesbian existence’ whilst others have actually just been living it -- like her.

One afternoon, we all got together to collectively create a banner. Channeling our emotions, ideas and contexts into a 5x3 canvass resulted to a crazy hodgepodge of symbols, slogans and statements, eerily resembling our state of mind. The central image was two overlapping women’s symbols (also regarded as the lesbian symbol) with the words, ‘lesbian’ and ‘feminist’ scribbled in circular motion, signifying the revolving door of our lesbian/feminist existence. Tesa had the bright idea to put tassles at the bottom of the banner -- yes, she was in her gypsy/pirate stage then. Oh wait, sometimes, she still is. Then we surrounded it with slogans like, ‘gay and proud’, ‘babae sa babae’, ‘we’re coming out’, ‘we will be visible; we are invincible’; ‘freedom of choice’, ‘labanan ang homophobia’.

Since it was just weeks before the International Women’s Day March, a lightbulb moment hit us: why not join the march as a lesbian contingent?          (Tesa thinks I broached the idea). After all, we belonged to women’s organizations, we grew our feminist minds in the movement and it seemed like a safe space for some of us to publicly come out. Not everyone was open to participating in the march, but we all agreed that lesbians needed to be visible and represented. 

And so, that led to the hatching of the first-ever public outing of a germinal (as opposed to seminal) lesbian formation. I am using the word ‘formation’ because the group did not live long enough to evolve into a more formal organization. What started as a banner-making project ended up as full-on production work, facilitating the confluence of theory and experience, of idealism and pragmatism, of the political and the personal.

As is the mode in most political mobilizations, we had to come up with a statement, decent rally placards and catchy chants.  As far as the statement is concerned, Tesa recalled that it was focused on breaking stereotypes about lesbians. When it came to the chants, Giney remembered, ‘Lesbian rights are human rights. Lesbian rights are women's rights.’  Yes, we were starting to become grim and determined then.

I remember exactly what I wore that day. Twenty pounds ago, I tucked in a brown sleeveless shirt in blue denims, covered my head with a bandana and slipped into heavy-duty hiking boots.

The place of assembly was Welcome Rotunda along Quezon Avenue. The march would traverse through Espana and Recto, culminating at Mendiola, where the obligatory post-march rally would be held. As a last-minute addition to the march, our contingent had to negotiate our participation and location. Yes, we caused quite a stir, as the organizers did not know where to place us, both during the march and in the programme that followed after.

During the march, the excitement was palpable – and our collective heartbeats were thumping like crazy. Every now and then, we exchanged tentative looks, engaged in nervous banter and flashed awkward smiles. Those of us who were not “out” carried cameras and became instant photographers.

We shouted our chants, faced the glare of cameras and endured the furtive stares (neither hostile nor affirming) of fellow women marchers from other organizations. Overheard during the march: “Ang gaganda naman pala nila.”

The end point of the march was Mendiola – and it was Cory Aquino’s last year as president. Meaning, Mendiola was still not totally ‘off-limits’. We then ‘negotiated’ with the organizers to allow us to read our statement, foolishly written in English, for all the grassroots women from urban poor communities, labor unions, and peasant groups to fully comprehend and appreciate. But it was not easy. As Tesa pondered, it had to take a ‘straight older feminist’ to negotiate on our behalf, before we were allowed to read the statement. Giney, whom we ‘forcibly assigned’ to read the statement, was asked by the flustered  emcee to just introduce herself. Our contingent moved closer to the stage as a show of force and support. As soon as Giney finished, we heard cheers and loud, thunderous clapping.

I don’t know how the other organizations and rallyists regarded our presence, but I remember being euphoric on the way home.  And yes, we had a post-march party to celebrate that grand coming out.

We met a few times more before deciding that we needed to have a name for our group. We huffed and we puffed, we hemmed and heehawed, we agreed and argued, and finally came up with the very exciting…. “The Lesbian Collective” or TLC, for short.  We swore to not become as grim and determined like our ‘elders’. We swore that we would not let the historical baggage and conflicts of our respective organizations affect us.

Alas, that March 8 event would not be repeated because after 1992, a united, inclusive women’s march was no longer possible. And by then, TLC had also imploded (or maybe disintegrate is a better word). What do you expect when you put fierce idealism, passionate commitment and strong personalities in a space and time that is mired by external conflicts and animosity? So, we were not immune to it after all. 

That’s 20 years ago today. Since then, we’ve fought and made up, forgot about each other’s existence, reconnected, went our separate ways, and got back together. In between, we got involved in development NGOs, became full-time academics, dabbled in artistic and creative work, got in and out of relationships and rode the roller-coaster ride of our lesbian-feminist-lesbian lives. Best of all, we still know how to party and put our feet up, after a long day.

Thanks, Giney and Tesa, for indulging me and my nostalgia trip.

Here and Queer and Head over Heels for Tears for Fears

(Note: It’s been two weeks since Tears For Fears rocked Manila for a one-night concert. In between that and today, we had the national elections. Here’s my belated blog on that wickedly awesome night).

We didn’t invent the karaoke machine for nothing. It’s occasions like a ‘Tears for Fears Concert’, when this Filipino invention is put to optimum use. Never mind if the entire Araneta Coliseum crowd drowned out the duo’s vocals almost all throughout the concert. As one fan’s shoutout to Curt Smith’s FB fanpage put it, ‘where else in the world can you find a concert with 22,000 back-up singers?’

To say that Pinoys anticipated the TFF concert is an understatement. No, we PREPARED and PRIMED ourselves for it. We confirmed attendance in the FB event page that Curt Smith himself, put up; researched their playlists in previous concerts; discussed their 80s legacy and impact on our growing up years (well, for those of us who lived through the 80s); and, glued ourselves to YouTube to watch and listen to live versions of their songs (I especially liked the NOTP concert). And more importantly, we bought our tickets early. I bought for myself and for four other friends (Natty, Michelle, MJ and AK), two months ahead.

I was particularly curious about their playlist. While their peak could be traced back to ‘The Hurting’ and ‘Songs From the Big Chair’, they also released several albums, which did not take off as spectacularly as the previous ones. In fact, two albums released under the TFF tag had only Roland Orzabal in it, because Curt had already left the band by then.

And so, spirits were high on the concert day itself. Tickets were sold out and as we were going inside the concert venue, the box office offered “standing” tickets at the Upper Box A section, meaning, standing on the aisles. The crowd was predominantly made up of people in their 30s and 40s, i.e., those who have grooved to the new wave beats of ‘Change’, ‘The Way You Are’ and ‘Everybody Wants to Rule the World’. Indeed it could have been a college or high school reunion, depending on which class/batch one belonged to.

As I anticipated, they played a mix of old and new songs, several of which I am happily familiar with (esp. their songs from the 2004 album, ‘Everybody Loves a Happy Ending’). The set started with an intro of ‘Mad World’, which was taken from their NOTP concert. Good thing it was just an intro because I was kinda apprehensive that Curt would not be able to pull off a mellow version of the song. Yes, AI fans, Adam Lambert owns ‘that’ version. When the strings played to “Everybody Wants To Rule The World” the crowd leapt to their feet and went wild. What a fitting, raucous start! This was followed by ‘Secret World’, one of my fave songs from the ELAHE album. Unfamiliar with the song, most of the audience slunk back to their seats. By the time the duo did ‘Closest Thing to Heaven’, which was also from the same album, practically everyone around me had sat down. I actually liked this song – and if you’ve seen the music video, it featured deceased actress, Brittany Murphy. Just as everyone had sort of settled down, they did ‘Seeds of Love’ – which brought the audience back to its feet again. But then they followed it up with the unfamiliar “Call Me Mellow (again from ELAHE) and this rendered the crowd to be quiet again.

See the pattern here? They sandwiched the not so familiar songs with their highly popular tunes from the 80s and early 90s. Yet, the Pinoy audience knows how to throw back appreciation and so each song, however unfamiliar, still merited a thunderous applause.

It was such a relief that they decided to do the original (fast/electronica) version of ‘Mad World’, which, as you guessed it, had everyone going again. When they did Floating Down the River, I so wanted to jump with Roland (and he enjoined the audience to jump with him!) but it felt silly doing that by myself. The duo also did their respective solo numbers. Curt sang ‘Seven of Sundays’ (from his solo album ‘Halfway, pleased’), which he dedicated to his daughters. The crowd swooned with approval. We Pinoys, are a sentimental lot. After Curt, it was Roland’s turn to transform the audience into jello, as he did a pseudo-70’s slow rock version of Michael Jackson’s ‘Billie Jean’. If I remember correctly, he performed this song in a concert, just right after the King of Pop’s death.

The next songs would cater purely to what the audience had been eagerly anticipating. It was karaoke madness to the hilt. Oh, and one thing about us Pinoys: we don’t just sing; we dance, too. Imagine a packed Araneta Coliseum swaying and singing in unison to ‘Pale Shelter’ and ‘Break it Down Again’. And when they did their “final song” ‘Head Over Heels’, all hell broke loose. The audience stomped their feet, raised their fists, clicked their cameras and hollered for more! And this was when the infamous “booing” of Korina Sanchez took place. Hell, yeah, this was not a place to campaign – it was inappropriate. But what was funny was that this happened as the whole coliseum was belting out a thunderous “mooooore” and then, somewhere, from the sidelines, we could hear a low, reverberating, “booooo”. Heaven forbid that Roland and Curt think they were being booed.

Expectedly, the duo promptly went back onstage and sang two more songs. ‘Woman in Chains’, which had back-up vocalist, Michael Wainwright, doing the part of Oleta Addams. We were forewarned by Roland that we would be “shocked” with what this guy could do, vocally. And the crowd roared with approval every time Michael hit the high notes. Finally, they did the phenomenal ‘Shout’. Oh, what mayhem! The crowd was enveloped in heavenly hysteria and the whole coliseum rocked.

…. And then, it was over. Amidst all the screams, shrieks and squeals, the duo waved warmly to the crowd and promptly disappeared. Oh, before that, Curt made a cute gesture by taking a panoramic shot of the crowd with his digital camera.

As the lights on stage dimmed, we stood waiting… transfixed by what had just happened…wrapped in TFF euphoria. Maybe they would go back again on stage… perform a couple more songs? But the crew started pulling out the cables and taking out the playlist…so yeah, that was it.

But what a show! What an evening! There was no fanfare – no costume changes, no production numbers, no special effects. It was pure and sheer 100% Roland and Curt – who, in their fifties, looked fabulously well and fit. Their voices have remained almost the same – Curt, still slightly thin and pitchy, and Roland, strong and wide in range. We wanted to see them dance and flail their arms, the way they did in ‘Change’ and ‘The Way We Were’ but instead, they swayed rather sexily with their guitars in tow. Curt looked a little older with his gray hair, but Roland had the same wild wavy mane that he kept flipping throughout the night.

I missed ‘Change’, ‘Mothers’ Talk’, ‘Advice for the Young at Heart, ‘Suffer the Children’, ‘Year of the Knife’ and many more songs.

Hours after the concert, hundreds of fans flooded Curt’s FB fanpage wall with gushing, congratulatory messages. In fact, the number of his twitter followers and FB fans leapt significantly. I can really conclude that Pinoys are one of the best fans an artist can ever dream of having. Indeed, Roland made a comment during the concert that they had toured extensively in the US, Europe and other places, but how could they have missed Manila?

Oh, did I mention that Sandwich and Pupil were the front acts? I am not so much a fan of either band (my friends and I preferred if it was Dawn or True Faith who opened for TFF) but Raymond Marasigan and Ely Buendia wowed the crowd with their joint performance of an Eheads classic, ‘Alapaap’.

I will bet my ass that TFF’s best concert in their Asian leg was Manila. And in Curt’s subsequent tweets, he thanked Singapore, Hong Kong, and Taipei, but he had the best to say about the Philippines: “Doesn't happen very often but...I'm speechless. Manila, what a night! Thank you so much, we've now officially peaked:)…”

The complete Manila concert playlist:

Intro: Mad World (NOTP version)

Everybody Wants To Rule The World

Secret World

Closest Thing to Heaven

Seeds of Love

Call Me Mellow

Mad World

Floating Down the River

Memories Fade

Raoul and the Kings of Spain

Quiet Ones

Everybody Loves A Happy Ending

Seven of Sundays

Billie Jean

Pale Shelter

Break It Down Again

Head Over Heels

Encore:

Woman In Chains

Shout

(Photos #2-5 by AK Ocol)